Widower's Walk

4 “Then he sent some more servants and said, ‘Tell those who have been invited that I have prepared my dinner: My oxen and fattened cattle have been butchered, and everything is ready. Come to the wedding banquet.’ (Matthew 22:4, NIV)

Three days before Pat went to heaven we began talking about what we were going to do the following week. Number one on our list was to get our “final” plans together. We had chosen the funeral home and were going to get our funeral and burial plans completed so we would not be a burden to our children. I wound up doing that by myself on Saturday morning July 18, 2015. I cannot begin to tell you how difficult that was! I had spent the entire night sobbing and crying and hurting. Getting in the car Saturday morning to go to the funeral home and cemetery all by myself was painful and difficult. I felt so very vulnerable. I have all the paperwork in a file drawer in my office and when I look at it, I remember the day, but the details are very blurry. My dear friend and pastor, Cliff Lea, called me while I was looking for a grave site and I know he passed on his love and his condolences but that to is a blur through the tears.

And then, just as if God had allowed Pat to talk to me, I remembered her favorite author, Eugenia Price, who wrote a series of historical fiction novels about the community of St. Simons Island in Georgia. I fondly remembered taking her to St. Simons Island and going to the church she had read so much about. When we went into the cemetery I remember her lighting up as she recognized names on the gravestones and how much she loved the feel of the live oaks and history. I knew at once where our “final resting” place should be. There are huge live oaks all around the grave site and it has the feel of the cemetery in St. Simons! I only wish we could have selected the plot together on this side of heaven!

As I was working with the funeral home and Hillcrest Cemetery staff in Leesburg, Florida everyone kept asking me if I was sure I wanted to make my arrangements as well. I said that indeed I did because I did not want my children to go through this! That day started at 9:00 in the morning and lasted until 4:00 in the afternoon! But my children will not have to do that – all has been arranged in advance.

As difficult as it is to face your final destination, it is critical that you not only think about your final earthly plans, but to follow through. God gave me an opportunity to follow up last December when Pat’s brother went to heaven. Steve and Sharon had not done their final arrangements. I told Sharon I did not want her to go through that alone so I went with her, her girls and her brother to help make decisions and to be there to support her. God was faithful to use me in their time of need!

Our final destination is not earth. For those who believe in Jesus heaven is our final home!

LESSON LEARNED: Do not put off your “final plans.” You will save yourself more grief than you should endure as well as for your loved ones! And don’t do it by yourself!

 

My dear sweet bride and I were joyously united in marriage on March 20, 1976! What a glorious day  – we thought our earthly marriage would never end. But suddenly on July 17, 2015 my life turned upside down. I came home from a business trip and found my dear bride standing in the bath room, holding on to her walker and gone to heaven! The shock I can only describe as someone ripping out half of my body.

I was stunned and confused. I called 911 and they asked me to stay on the phone until the paramedics arrived. When I let them in I remember them asking me where Pat was and I took them to the master suite. Someone blurted out, “DB.” One very kind man grabbed me and said let’s get out of here and he took me to my neighbor’s house. I told them what had happened and they told me to sit down and gave me some water. I looked at my phone, and realized I was still on the line with 911. The operator asked me who to call and I gave them my pastor’s name and the funeral home. She told me she would get everyone there and for me to hang up.

I did and the next thing that came to my mind was I need to call my children – oh how I hated making those calls. My son volunteered to call several family members and I remembered Pat’s best friend, Palma Norwood. I called her and she screamed and said it is not true and hung up. She called me back sobbing and told me she was so sorry. My sister-in-law called next in utter shock and told me they would be there as quick as they could. I soon realized I was not crying and definitely in a state of shock. After Sharon’s call, I did start to cry, but nothing like I did when I was allowed to go back to my house.

In this blog, and website I want to help widowers in their struggle as they walk through the grief journey. I learned a lot along the way with godly advice from my counselor and a life filled with grief. I will use scripture a lot and tell you things that worked for me and those that I should not have done. Each of our journeys are different but as I started this journey I discovered that there was not a lot of good counsel for men who had lost their wives. I pray that as I share my journey and things I have learned and done that it will help widowers to make this journey with other men.

Men need other men alongside them on this journey. The Bible says in Proverbs 27:17 “As iron sharpens iron, So a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.”