Widower's Walk

Renew your mind!

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. (Romans 12:2, NKJV)

My new reality after July 17, 2015 was that Pat was no longer physically present with me. Our relationship had graduated to purely spiritual. That was and is very hard for me. My poor mind was not able to grasp this new reality. I knew at once that I was going to need cerebral as well as spiritual help to begin and sustain this journey.

A friend down the street came by to offer her condolences and gave me a treasure trove of pamphlets talking about grief and loss. My friend in California called me and told me he would walk alongside me during the journey. My seminary president (and one of my very best friends) called and told me he, too, would walk alongside me during the journey. My pastor in California also committed to walking alongside me. All encouraged me to continue my daily walk in the Word of God. I also looked at my library and discovered some books that I read again to help.

My pastors in Florida and the mortuary told me about GriefShare. I discovered GriefShare had a daily email for 365 days. I immediately signed up for this service and greatly anticipated getting my daily early morning email – I have saved all 365 for further discovery and review. It was a wonderful thing to see my dear friend Norm writing on some of these emails – it was just like getting a phone call from him!

In my doctoral studies I had written a paper on the seasons of the soul. One of my sources was C.S. Lewis’ “A Grief Observed.” I had read that book several times on the other side of grief, but sitting down and reading it 2 weeks after Pat died, the book hit me in the heart and soul. Here was someone who was expressing the exact emotions and feelings I was experiencing! It was like I was reading it for the first time and it lifted me up.

I also read H. Norman Wright’s “Reflections of a Grieving Spouse.” My dear friend Norm had experienced what I was and am going through and his book was so helpful in helping my mind and soul grapple with losing Pat. I so identified with his emotions and revelations.

I also felt like I needed to learn more about heaven, so I reread the Revelation and I read Randy Alcorn’s “Heaven.” I continue to look for Bible based books on heaven and to rely on the Bible itself to direct my thoughts and renew my mind concerning my final destination where I will see Pat again!

LESSON LEARNED: My mind received the largest shock of its life and needed sustenance to help it cope with the new reality of life without Pat. Reading what other people have experienced and falling in love with the Bible all over again began to renew my mind! I believe this will work for everyone.

Your word is a lamp to my feet
And a light to my path. (Psalm 119:105 NKJV)

You are not alone!

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: 3 “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth. 4 And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.”(Ephesians 6: 1-4, NKJV)

When both my children arrived on Saturday July 18, 2015 I was so very happy to see them! And at once I realized that I was not alone in my grief because they had both lost their mom. I remembered losing my mom and the pain it brought about but also the joy of knowing she no longer suffered but was in heaven! It also hit me that I needed to be there for Katie and Andy more than I needed them to be there for me! That reality hit me between the eyes on Tuesday morning as we met with Pastor Art Ayris and I listened to their memories and wishes.

Imagine my surprise when at the memorial service my son volunteered to get up and say something about his mom! I was so proud of him and so amazed at the love he felt for his mom – his best friend. Before everyone went home, I knew I needed to determine how to spend more time with my children, to help them through the journey. That is when a thought came to my mind that I needed to fully retire from my job.

As a result of the freedom God provided for me I have been able to schedule time and trips to be with Andy and Katie frequently. I supported Andy as he made a speech at a convention in Las Vegas and I brought Katie down to Florida to spend some quality father/daughter time.

I also realized I did not want to spend holidays and special events alone, by myself. I started looking at the calendar and figured out what special days were coming. I messed up on the very first one! Labor Day has always been a special day for Pat and me as we would watch the Jerry Lewis MDA Labor Day Telethon together. Little did we know early on how much MDA was going to impact our lives. So Labor Day 2015 came along and I was all by myself – grief had a really good time with me that day! As the day progressed I heard Pat in my mind saying “Get out your calendar!” So I did and I began planning every single special day and holiday and figuring out what I would do!

Thanksgiving was with the church and giving food out to homeless folks. Christmas I drove to Oklahoma and Texas to see my daughter and to see family and friends in McKinney, Plano, Granbury and Midland (my last Christmas with Pat’s brother Steve). In March 2016 I had what would have been our 40th wedding anniversary, Pat’s birthday and Andy’s birthday coming up. Andy came down to Florida and we celebrated together! 

LESSON LEARNED: Get out your calendar and mark all your “special” days. Make definite plans not to be alone. Also create new traditions that will honor your memory of your spouse but also help those you love so dearly that are still on this side of heaven!

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11, NKJV)

Lay Up Treasures in Heaven

¹⁹ “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal; ²⁰ but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. (Matthew 6:19-20)

My very dear friend and counselor told me from the very first day that I should journal. He also told me a story about a man who had taken 3×5 index cards and would write down thoughts and memories as they came to him. His reason was he did not want to forget! Well, that sounded like a good idea to me so I did start a journal and I bought myself some index cards.

As I wrote the journal and notes on the index cards I looked at the stack of sympathy cards I had received. And then it dawned on me I had a treasure trove of memories of Pat that I needed to save. Through the marvels of electronics I also had all our personal texts for several years and was able to print them out. Where would I put all of these precious memories? And then I spied on my coffee table a treasure chest we were using for decoration. It became Pat’s treasure box for me!

As I write notes and find memorabilia it goes into the box. It sits in my living room in an honored place and I have placed 2 crosses next to it to remember that Pat and I had dedicated our marriage to God. I know Pat is not there! She is in heaven and the chest reminds me to place my treasures in heaven. The physical action of writing, discovering and placing items in the chest have been very therapeutic for me and brightened my spirits.

Blessed are those who mourn,
For they shall be comforted. (Matthew 5:4, NKJV)

I was glad when they said to me,
“Let us go into the house of the Lord.” (Psalm 122:1)

Sunday, July 19, 2015 I went to church with my daughter and son only 2 days after Pat went to heaven. All I knew was I needed to be at church. I needed God. I have gone to church almost every Sunday of my 66+ years on this planet! King David was my hero as he always turned to God in his troubles and happy times! Pat and I made a commitment to put Jesus first in our marriage. In fact, the day after we got married we were in church!

All I knew that Sunday morning was I needed God – no one could help the pain I felt, so I trusted God would help me:

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.” (Psalm 23:4, NKJV)

I can truly say that I did feel His comfort, even in the terrible pain of grief. I fully believe that I was made ready for this day because of those days I spent at church getting to know God. In 66 years there are 3,432 Sundays. If I attended 90% that would be 3,088 Sundays spent with God worshipping Him and learning about Him through the Bible. We usually spent about 4 hours every Sunday in church and Sunday School so that is about 12,355 hours. Put another way that is about 8 years! That is a long time to get prepared.

The hardest part of facing people on Sunday morning was knowing that this question would be asked, “How are you? How do you feel?” I may not have answered that question the best way for a while, because I felt horrible! I remember telling one poor soul “I feel like crap!” In church! I do not suggest this as an appropriate answer but it was bluntly honest! But you know, those people were well-meaning and I had to accept in my heart they truly cared for me. Little did I know that God was preparing me to be a witness and example of how to handle the grief journey.

LESSON LEARNED: You cannot do the grief journey alone. You need God! As hard as it is, get back to church as soon as possible. Worship God. Pray to Him to sustain you and love you, every day! 

“Therefore know that the Lord your God, He is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and mercy for a thousand generations with those who love Him and keep His commandments” (Deuteronomy 7:9, NKJV)