Widower's Walk

Don’t let your body go!

“19 Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? 20 For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.” (I Corinthians 6:19-20, NKJV)

Look at that belly! I am not proud of that and it is something I have been struggling with throughout my grief journey. Right after Pat died all these wonderful people brought food to me so that I did not need to worry about nourishment. Actually, nourishment was not top of mind for me. After all the food was gone, my diet and desire for food was not good! I ate for comfort and unfortunately I ballooned up over 220 pounds – all my clothes were tight and I could not tuck in my shirts.

Now after 2 years I have come to the stark realization that I have lost control of myself in an area that is in direct contradiction to God’s Word. I really need to take care of this body and go back to the ways my dear bride taught me to eat and exercise. I have lost 20 pounds. I need to lose 30 more. My best weight is around 170 pounds. I remember how good I felt when I was that weight. I was eating right and I was exercising daily. I have started eating right for the most part, but I have fallen back into a habit of eating too much fast food.

I am not exercising – that can have catastrophic results. My greyhounds love their backyard, but they both love to walk with me on the leash. I have mapped out a trail from my house that is exactly 1.1 miles. Two loops and I have just over 2 miles. I need to get back into that daily habit. I am reminded of Daniel in the Bible:

“So Daniel said to the steward whom the chief of the eunuchs had set over Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah, 12 “Please test your servants for ten days, and let them give us vegetables to eat and water to drink. 13 Then let our appearance be examined before you, and the appearance of the young men who eat the portion of the king’s delicacies; and as you see fit, so deal with your servants.” 14 So he consented with them in this matter, and tested them ten days.

15 And at the end of ten days their features appeared better and fatter in flesh than all the young men who ate the portion of the king’s delicacies. 16 Thus the steward took away their portion of delicacies and the wine that they were to drink, and gave them vegetables.” (Daniel 1: 11 – 16, NKJV)

I have discovered prepared salads that give me bulk, protein, and carbohydrates. I love salmon, tuna, turkey and chicken. I am rediscovering pork. I need to steer away from fried foods and pizza (pizza is my all time favorite comfort food)! And I need to exercise. I have discovered I cannot do this on my own power for a sustained period – I need to have help from the Lord! I also know that I stayed in shape to please my wife. Now I need to stay in shape to please the Lord!

LESSON LEARNED: Grief can play havoc with your diet and exercise. I need to not let grief continue to have dominion over my body! God loves my soul and I tell him every day I love Him. I need to show Him that I do!

“So Samuel said:

“Has the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices,
As in obeying the voice of the Lord?
Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice,
And to heed than the fat of rams.” (1 Samuel 15:22, NKJV)

How old hobbies can ease your pain!

“But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:31, NKJV)

From the time I was 10 years old I was fascinated with photography. My parents gave me an old Brownie camera that I treasured and experimented with. I then got an Instamatic camera and continued to take a lot of pictures. Upon going to the U.S. Naval Academy I acquired my first 35mm SLR camera. A few years after Pat and I were married I got a much better camera, telephoto lenses, filters and a tripod. I do not remember when, but a point came when I just did not get that camera out anymore so I gave all my equipment to my son.

As I would go out daily to the grave, God blessed me with the wonder of His creation, especially a mated pair of Red Shouldered Hawks. I would watch them fly and play tag in the sky and I nicknamed them Pat and Jim. Hawks mate for life and I reflected on how these two would fly in circles together and every once in a while fly by and gently touch wings together. It was a beautiful picture to me of the amazing love journey Pat and I had enjoyed here on earth. I only had my iPhone and I tried to take pictures of this dazzling display:

It just did not capture the beauty or detail, so God reminded me of my old hobby and I went out and bought myself proper photographic equipment to capture what I was seeing. Every day that I went to the cemetery, Pat and Jim were there to greet me and I had multiple opportunities to get wonderful pictures and new memories:

Taking the photos eased my pain and gave me purpose! It also jarred my creative side and helped me to remember my dear sweet bride in poetry:

Remembering My Dear Sweet Bride:

Vigilance at the grave

By Jim Robbins

I come to your graveside every day

To remember our life together and pray,

Under the old live oaks is a respite from the sun

To ponder and remember when we had just begun

There are sounds of birds and wind chimes in the trees

And occasionally there is the hint of a refreshing breeze,

But I stand there, with tear-stained face lifted to the sky

And I continue to ask that age-old question: Why?

I know you no longer are suffering and you are free from pain

That does really help but honestly I think I might go insane,

Losing you is the hardest thing I have ever gone through

And I feel left behind, almost not knowing what to do!

You are the great love of my life, eternity with you will be bliss

Our faith we shared in each other and our Lord seems somewhat amiss,

Until looking in the clouds I see your unmistakable eyes and smile

My heart is filled with joy to know we will be back together in a while.

You taught me not to fear as you went through so many trials,

Your love for me has driven my heart for miles and miles,

And is it no wonder that each day I visit the grave 2 hawks fly above

To remind me of our sweet life together, and our Father’s love.

I miss you very much, my dear sweet bride. Pat, you are my forever girl – I look forward to the day we are reunited for eternity. August 25, 2015

LESSON LEARNED: Listen to God and let Him point out things to help you through your grief journey. Remember old hobbies and do them afresh – the creativity will astound you and comfort you!

“Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. 9 The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you.” (Philippians 4:8-9, NKJV)

The Broken Heart Healer

The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart,
And saves such as have a contrite spirit. (Psalm 34:18, NKJV)

As far as I know I have never had a heart attack. After all my family had gone home and I was once again alone in the house I cried myself to sleep. A couple of hours later I woke up with incredible pain in my chest. I did not notice any pain in my jaw or my arms. I screamed out to God, “Oh please take me home!” Not once did I think about anyone else or calling 911! I do remember the pain to this very day. And in hindsight I think about how foolish and selfish I was that night. What if it had been a real heart attack? How could my children and family take a double whammy like that?

Pat and I had signed up for The Villages Health Care when we arrived in Florida. The earliest appointment for us was in September. Right after Pat died, our doctor sent me a very sweet sympathy card. I knew that I needed to keep that appointment. When I went in, they already had on the chart about Pat’s passing. Everyone in the clinic was so nice and comforting! The nurse took all my vital signs and took me to the room to see the doctor.

My doctor once again expressed her condolences to me and checked over my vitals and blood work. She told me that everything was in good shape. I told her about my episode in July and asked her to check my heart further. She did an EKG and listened carefully to my heart. Then she told me, “Yes, something is wrong with your heart!” I was shocked, then she said with a very broad smile, “It is broken!” Then she said, “You are so lucky! You loved so much that the pain is very real! God will heal your heart if you let Him!”

And she was right! In the midst of severe pain of grief, I knew God was there and that He loved me more than I had ever realized. Going to church, meeting with my small group, doing my homework at school, visiting the grave, and spending quiet time daily had all pointed up to God. I honestly felt His love like I had never experienced it before. I knew He loved me unconditionally.

LESSON LEARNED: Cry out to God! He is willing to heal your broken heart. Even in pain, especially in pain, He is there and He loves you. And men, we are the most stubborn when it comes to crying and going to the doctor. God has provided both for our good!

Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. (Hebrews 12:11, NKJV)

 

“In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” (1 Thessalonians 5:18, NKJV)

What a most difficult thing to do when grief is pounding you like the surf during a hurricane! I often described to people the feeling of grief as if I were in the ocean and I was being clobbered with one big wave after another! Really, in all things give thanks? How are we supposed to do that? How was I supposed to do that with the loss of my dear sweet bride, best friend, confidant, mentor and lover?

The thought came from my morning quiet time with the Lord! Every morning I get up, the first thing I do is talk to God – out loud! I tell him I love him and I thank him for everything he does for me, particularly my salvation through his son Jesus Christ. Even that first morning after Pat died I started my day that way. I really did not feel gratitude that morning, but I did feel his love. And I believe that is the secret – accepting God’s love and knowing he has the best planned for us:

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11, NKJV)

As I walked out of the house that morning to go take care of arrangements with the mortuary and the cemetery, I saw the little heart on my door that my dear sweet bride had asked me to put on all our houses. The little heart and its message put a smile on my broken heart. In my move to Texas I knew I needed to make a statement about that little heart, so I commissioned Jimmy Don Holmes of JDH Iron Designs to make a piece of art I could display in my house to remind me who Pat and I serve!LESSON LEARNED: Even though I did not feel thanksgiving in the circumstances of Pat’s death, I still knew God loved me! I also was reminded of who I serve! Keeping my time with the Lord and trying to listen to him made me understand I needed visual reminders! 

“And if it seems evil to you to serve the Lord, choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” (Joshua 24:15, NKJV)