Widower's Walk

Following Jesus’ plan for me

Then Jesus went into the temple of God and drove out all those who bought and sold in the temple, and overturned the tables of the money changers and the seats of those who sold doves. 13 And He said to them, “It is written, ‘My house shall be called a house of prayer,’ but you have made it a ‘den of thieves.’”

14 Then the blind and the lame came to Him in the temple, and He healed them. 15 But when the chief priests and scribes saw the wonderful things that He did, and the children crying out in the temple and saying, “Hosanna to the Son of David!” they were indignant 16 and said to Him, “Do You hear what these are saying?”

And Jesus said to them, “Yes. Have you never read,

‘Out of the mouth of babes and nursing infants
You have perfected praise’?” (Matthew 21: 12-15, NKJV)

I was writing in my journal a year ago and I was reviewing my first year after Pat went to heaven. In particular I was looking at what it meant to really serve God and I had an epiphany on what His church should be like and how I fit into His plan:

“My pet peeve as a follower of Christ – commercialism. I hate to say this but many churches have become nothing but commercial enterprises singled on a personality (not Jesus) and launched into big business for profit in a non-profit organization. I look at Jesus in the temple and wonder when He is going to do the same to a lot of the modern churches.

I have wrestled with this for years in my own life as I successfully climbed the secular corporate ladder, while working in churches unpaid to do executive administration, lead worship, teach, preach, attend to religious polity, working with teenagers and children, working with the homeless.

The loss of my wife last year from the debilitating genetic disease, Myotonic Muscular Dystrophy, set me back and I made some severe life-changing decisions. I have done this under God’s guidance and the help of some wonderful counselors and mentors. What I discovered was the truth of Jesus statement that you cannot serve money and God – they are incompatible.

However, if you will surrender everything you have and give it to God, He will use it in ways you never imagined and He will direct your life to its ultimate purpose. I have experienced first hand the wonder of someone who has nothing but is grateful for what they have.

This last year I have committed to 2 mission opportunities to work directly with orphans and widows through my local church and Orphan’s Heart Ministries. I have seen first hand what my money in the past went to support. But I also discovered another truth from Jesus – the harvest is great, but the workers are few.

I fully believe that if the church would forget about empire building and instead focus on Kingdom building – the change on this planet would be dramatic.

I am going back to Uganda next summer – I see so much hope and I see what Christ wants to do with each of us – to form a relationship, not a business partnership!” (10/3/2016)

LESSON LEARNED: Do not focus on myself but rather what is God’s purpose and plan for me. He has given me clues all my life and now I must surrender to Him and know that He has a future for me that will expand His Kingdom and give Him pleasure! To God be the glory!

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11, NKJV)

 

The second hardest thing in my life so far!

“Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead” (Philippians 3:13 NKJV)

I have had a lot of opportunity to grieve. I have not always done it “well.” The pictures above are my mom and dad with me when I came home for Christmas break from my first year at the US Naval Academy. That was 48 years ago! In 2001 my dear mom went to heaven and in 2012 my dear dad went to heaven. I learned the hard way about letting go and pressing forward with my mom!

When my mom went to heaven my family was in the middle of a move from Oklahoma to Washington state. I was in Oklahoma and Pat and Andy were in Washington. When I went to Tennessee for the funeral, I didn’t even have an overcoat so my brother-in-law and I went out to buy one (it was January and very cold like the pictures above). I did not cry. I really felt like I needed to be strong for my dad. I remember him holding tight to me at the funeral service and his constant sobbing. This, in my mind, was my opportunity to be a “man” for my dad. After the funeral and a couple of days, I drove back to Oklahoma then prepared to move to Washington.

I poured myself into my new/old job and wore myself to a frazzle. I still had not cried for my mom. I began to cough, but did not do anything about it. I went on a company trade show and forgot to take my overcoat. It was cold, damp and I began to cough more vigorously. I got some cough drops and a bottle of cough syrup, but I continued to stay busy. At night in the hotel I could not sleep because I coughed all night. When I got back to work I coughed and coughed. Finally my secretary told me I needed to go see the doctor.

The doctor listened to my chest and ordered x-rays. I was running a fever. After he reviewed the x-rays the doctor told me I had pneumonia in all four lobes – I should be in the hospital. I protested because my son and I were alone and I had to make sure he got to school and home. My doctor told me that if I agreed to stay in the apartment he would not send me to the hospital. He sent me to the pharmacy to get medications and I went back to the apartment. I looked at the prescriptions and took all 4 medications as directed. I sat down in a chair and turned on the TV. This was 10AM in the morning.

I awoke when Andy came home around 3PM! I felt disoriented and very dizzy. I realized I was having a very bad reaction to one of the medicines. I asked Andy to read the warnings on all 4 and discovered the culprit. I called the doctor and he took me off that medication. Some very dear Christian friends came over and brought Andy and I dinner. They asked Andy and I to come to their house for the weekend so they could take care of me and give Andy some free time.

I remember waking up in the bed at their house Saturday morning. I was feeling a little better, then what I had needed to do for a month came bursting through. I cried and I cried and I cried some more. Running away from grief was a huge mistake and it nearly cost me my life. Fast forward to Easter 2011 and my father-in-law went to heaven. I was with him for his last breath. The tears naturally flowed. In September 2012 my dad went to heaven. My uncle called me and told me dad was in heaven. I thanked him for the call and I sat down and cried. Right before Christmas 2013 my mother-in-law went to heaven. I was with her for her last breath and the tears rolled down my cheeks again.

Then on July 17, 2015 my dear sweet bride went to heaven. As I have stated in another blog post, I did not immediately cry, but when I was in my house alone I cried like I had never cried before! I had learned my lesson the hard way on mourning.

But, one thing I had not done for any of my grief was to let go! I held on to the grief of my parents and my in-laws and logarithmically more so with my dear sweet bride. They are all in a far better place and I know some day I will see them again. I need to press forward to that day! I also know that grief is now part of my journey and I need to focus forward and upward so that I can fulfill God’s purpose in my life. My dear sweet bride told me this very thing 6 months before she went to heaven. She told me she wanted me to be filled with joy and to not be alone – how can one person be so loving as to care so much for her spouse?

LESSON LEARNED: Let go! It is indeed the second hardest thing I have done. The first was to say goodbye to Pat and the grief that has followed. She wanted me to fulfill God’s purpose and plan for me. I had to let go of her or spend the rest of my earthly life in stasis until I went to heaven or Jesus returned. And God is revealing to me open doors that I never would have considered, including this blog. 

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11 NKJV)

Moving forward!

Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. 11 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age,[c] against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

14 Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; 16 above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. 17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God; 18 praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints— 19 and for me, that utterance may be given to me, that I may open my mouth boldly to make known the mystery of the gospel, 20 for which I am an ambassador in chains; that in it I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak. (Ephesians 6: 10 – 20, NKJV)

I was reminded this weekend of how hard grief is! And I was also reminded that I cannot let grief swallow me up forever! Three Dog Night remains one of my favorite groups. I saw them on my 21st birthday in concert and have since taken my son to one of their concerts! They have a lesser played song, “It Ain’t Easy” which has this phrase in the chorus:

“It ain’t easy
To go ahead when your going’ down”

(Source: <a href=”https://www.elyrics.net/read/t/three-dog-night-lyrics/it-ain_t-easy-lyrics.html”>click here</a>)

There comes a point in grief when it is time to go ahead. You know that in your head and your heart, but it ain’t easy! In fact, it is pretty hard. I honestly do not know how people do this without God. As we were walking in memory of Pat in the MDA Muscle Walk of Puget Sound this weekend, I looked around at all the people who were honoring their living loved ones who had some sort of debilitating neuromuscular disease. The walk was a promise of hope. 

The promise of hope is in fact one of the verses of the song “It Ain’t Easy:”

“Well, the people have their problems
But that ain’t nothing new
Well the hope and understanding
Can bring you on through
Well it can bring you on through
It can take you to the end”
(Source: <a href=”https://www.elyrics.net/read/t/three-dog-night-lyrics/it-ain_t-easy-lyrics.html”>click here</a>)

I saw all kinds of people with major health problems Saturday and I know that my son was having difficulty with grief and my daughter had earlier posted her hard time with grief. I will admit I was also dealing with grief, but it was not debilitating like it was 2 years ago. Why? Well, I think it all has to do with my relationship to God. He is the Healer of all things. He wants to have a relationship with you and He really does want to comfort you. Every morning I spend time alone with God – my first words are “I love you, God!” And I have learned to practice Ephesians 6 even more diligently. That earlier picture of me as a plebe at the US Naval Academy came to mind as every day I had to put on my earthly armor and I knew even then that I should be putting on my spiritual armor.

And there is also the hope found in helping others. Take the focus off of me and focus on the needs of others – God’s unbelievable comfort comes to those who comfort others.

“Who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. (2 Corinthians 1:4, NKJV)

I have purposefully looked for opportunities to help others through the gifts God has given me. This has led me back to teaching the Bible in Bible studies and preaching. I find God has made His Word more personal to me and that I can share my struggles with others and show them God working in my life and identify with their struggles. Now, even though I do miss Pat, I have my hope in God through doing for others. The focus is off of me. I look forward to eternity when I get to see God face to face and I do long for the day when I will see Pat again! But for now, I will focus on helping others and drawing closer to my dear Lord!

LESSON LEARNED: Take my focus off of me! Look around to see who I can help with the unique gifts God has given me. Rely on His power, love and comfort to move ahead! 

“For what is our hope, or joy, or crown of rejoicing? Is it not even you in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ at His coming?” (1 Thessalonians 2: 19, NKJV)

Measuring time before eternity!

“To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born,
And a time to die;
A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace,
And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to gain,
And a time to lose;
A time to keep,
And a time to throw away;
A time to tear,
And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
And a time to speak;
A time to love,
And a time to hate;
A time of war,
And a time of peace. (Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8, NKJV)

On September 23, 2015 I went out to the cemetery as was my daily practice. When I arrived I saw the temporary marker was gone and the headstone had been placed. Needless to say, many tears fell that morning! The immediate thing that caught my eye was the dates under Pat’s name and the unfinished dates under mine. Her dash was completed with a date before and after. Mine only had a before. I want to talk about that dash.

I have read many good sermons and blog posts on the dash. I saw an excellent poem on the dash in my readings. But here, on September 23, 2015 I was confronted with mortality and immortality in a way I had never been confronted before! We all have this dash – it is the life we live from birth to death. The finality of the fact that Pat had died was staring me in the face. I pondered her dash – the incredible life she had lived between 1950 and 2015. One of the hardest things I had to do on July 18 was write Pat’s obituary:

Patricia Gayle Robbins went home to be with her Lord and Savior Jesus Christ on July 17, 2015. Pat was born on March 21, 1950 in Fort Worth, Texas to Marvin and Hazel Gibson. She grew up traveling all over Texas, Oklahoma and New Mexico due to her father’s occupation as a seismic crew chief, discovering oil and gas. She graduated with honors from Lake Highlands High School in Dallas, Texas and attended North Texas State University majoring in early childhood development. She worked several years as a medical insurance claim representative for Aetna Life and Casualty. She earned an Associate Degree in Business from Albany Junior College.

She met her husband, Jim Robbins, in San Antonio, Texas. They were married on March 20, 1976 at University Presbyterian Church. Pat and Jim had three children and traveled all across the United States with job transfers and promotions. Pat was very active in church choir, children’s church, camp, Christian education, drama, new church plants, sewing, quilting, cross stitch, embroidery and the Lions Club. Pat and Jim celebrated their 39th wedding anniversary on March 20, 2015. She had recently moved to The Villages, Florida with Jim to start retirement. Pat had a significant amount of health problems in her later life, many stemming from her Myotonic Muscular Dystrophy disease. In spite of all her difficulties she was a radiant and loving person.

She is survived by her husband of 39 years, Jim Robbins, her daughter Katie Guist (36), her son Andy (30), her brother Steve Gibson and his wife Sharon and their daughters Ashley and Kari, her brother Mark Gibson and his wife Liz and their sons, and many aunts and uncles and cousins. She was preceded in death by her daughter, Jamie Elizabeth Robbins, her mother Hazel Hudson Gibson, and her father Marvin A. Gibson. Services will be held at Beyers Funeral Home in Lady Lake, Florida with interment at Hillcrest Memorial Gardens in Leesburg, Florida. In lieu of flowers, donations in Pat’s memory to the Muscular Dystrophy Association would be deeply appreciated.

I was an intimate part of Pat’s life for 40 years – almost 2/3 of her life! She packed so much living into the 65 years she was allowed on earth. I often tell folks that Pat has been gone 2 years as we determine time, because time no longer controls her! What a wonderful thing it would be to put a dash after her last year and link it to the eternity symbol! I truly may check into that.

Notice that the cross is on the headstone – that is no mistake. We both served our Lord Jesus together and separately. I had the awesome experience to baptize Pat, Andy and Katie! Pat was deeply in love with the Lord Jesus Christ. She was a shining beacon to me in our marriage.

Now, God has given me this incredible ministry to honor my dear sweet bride’s memory and to fulfill his calling on my life.

LESSON LEARNED: We were made to live a legacy – a legacy that glorifies our Lord Jesus Christ! Even in the midst of mourning, we can serve Him in ways we never believed were possible! Do not let your mourning and grief get you away from that dash – even though your gorgeous bride has gone on to heaven because God was finished, since there is no number on the right side of your dash, He is not finished with you! Take solace in that! Find out what He has left for you to do!

But what things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ. Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith;  that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death,  if, by any means, I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.

Pressing Toward the Goal
Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 3: 7-14, NKJV)