The second hardest thing in my life so far!
“Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead” (Philippians 3:13 NKJV)
I have had a lot of opportunity to grieve. I have not always done it “well.” The pictures above are my mom and dad with me when I came home for Christmas break from my first year at the US Naval Academy. That was 48 years ago! In 2001 my dear mom went to heaven and in 2012 my dear dad went to heaven. I learned the hard way about letting go and pressing forward with my mom!
When my mom went to heaven my family was in the middle of a move from Oklahoma to Washington state. I was in Oklahoma and Pat and Andy were in Washington. When I went to Tennessee for the funeral, I didn’t even have an overcoat so my brother-in-law and I went out to buy one (it was January and very cold like the pictures above). I did not cry. I really felt like I needed to be strong for my dad. I remember him holding tight to me at the funeral service and his constant sobbing. This, in my mind, was my opportunity to be a “man” for my dad. After the funeral and a couple of days, I drove back to Oklahoma then prepared to move to Washington.
I poured myself into my new/old job and wore myself to a frazzle. I still had not cried for my mom. I began to cough, but did not do anything about it. I went on a company trade show and forgot to take my overcoat. It was cold, damp and I began to cough more vigorously. I got some cough drops and a bottle of cough syrup, but I continued to stay busy. At night in the hotel I could not sleep because I coughed all night. When I got back to work I coughed and coughed. Finally my secretary told me I needed to go see the doctor.
The doctor listened to my chest and ordered x-rays. I was running a fever. After he reviewed the x-rays the doctor told me I had pneumonia in all four lobes – I should be in the hospital. I protested because my son and I were alone and I had to make sure he got to school and home. My doctor told me that if I agreed to stay in the apartment he would not send me to the hospital. He sent me to the pharmacy to get medications and I went back to the apartment. I looked at the prescriptions and took all 4 medications as directed. I sat down in a chair and turned on the TV. This was 10AM in the morning.
I awoke when Andy came home around 3PM! I felt disoriented and very dizzy. I realized I was having a very bad reaction to one of the medicines. I asked Andy to read the warnings on all 4 and discovered the culprit. I called the doctor and he took me off that medication. Some very dear Christian friends came over and brought Andy and I dinner. They asked Andy and I to come to their house for the weekend so they could take care of me and give Andy some free time.
I remember waking up in the bed at their house Saturday morning. I was feeling a little better, then what I had needed to do for a month came bursting through. I cried and I cried and I cried some more. Running away from grief was a huge mistake and it nearly cost me my life. Fast forward to Easter 2011 and my father-in-law went to heaven. I was with him for his last breath. The tears naturally flowed. In September 2012 my dad went to heaven. My uncle called me and told me dad was in heaven. I thanked him for the call and I sat down and cried. Right before Christmas 2013 my mother-in-law went to heaven. I was with her for her last breath and the tears rolled down my cheeks again.
Then on July 17, 2015 my dear sweet bride went to heaven. As I have stated in another blog post, I did not immediately cry, but when I was in my house alone I cried like I had never cried before! I had learned my lesson the hard way on mourning.
But, one thing I had not done for any of my grief was to let go! I held on to the grief of my parents and my in-laws and logarithmically more so with my dear sweet bride. They are all in a far better place and I know some day I will see them again. I need to press forward to that day! I also know that grief is now part of my journey and I need to focus forward and upward so that I can fulfill God’s purpose in my life. My dear sweet bride told me this very thing 6 months before she went to heaven. She told me she wanted me to be filled with joy and to not be alone – how can one person be so loving as to care so much for her spouse?
LESSON LEARNED: Let go! It is indeed the second hardest thing I have done. The first was to say goodbye to Pat and the grief that has followed. She wanted me to fulfill God’s purpose and plan for me. I had to let go of her or spend the rest of my earthly life in stasis until I went to heaven or Jesus returned. And God is revealing to me open doors that I never would have considered, including this blog.
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11 NKJV)
Widower's Walk 